The Absence Repercussions
by xLostInTheSun
Summary: September. Sheldon comes back to Pasadena, not entirely transformed, but not completely the same either. He intends to get back to his life mostly the way he left it, minus the Amy department - things are going to change, there. What he didn't expect, though, was to find his life in Pasadena completely upside down and burnt to the ground just as Stuart's store was.
1. Prologue

**A/N:** So here goes - my own fix-it, summer hiatus fanfic. I'm not sure exactly how long this will be yet, but I'll try to update at least once a week. This is going to be Shamy-related, of course, but it will also feature the whole gang (except that it won't be exactly whole... let's just say that the "Absence" part of the title does not necessarily refer to who you think it might refer, but that's for later.)

A big thank you to Stefania (teoriapostmoderna) and koops for giving me their opinion on this prologue, and to Katie (What's a hickey) for correcting my mistakes and looking out for my Briticisms.

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**Prologue**

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From the moment he had sent an e-mail – the first since his departure – informing his friends that he had started the last leg of his four months long voyage, Sheldon had imagined a wide array of possible "welcome back" scenarios.

The first one – his favorite even though he would never admit it – featured all six of his friends, anxiously waiting for him with flowers and presents. Leonard would hug him, and he would pretend not to like it; Penny would kiss him on the cheek, and he would pretend not to like it; Raj, Howard and Bernadette would pat him on the back, and he would pretend not to like it. And Amy...well, he would walk up to Amy, he would put his hands on her hips where they belonged, and kiss her full on the mouth. They would walk out of the train station hands in hands, ready to catch up on four months of lost intellectual conversations, tea drinking sessions, and passionate good night kissing. They would discuss living arrangements and, after a while, he would convince Amy that this trip had opened his eyes and they would end up sharing his old flat.

The only problem was – Sheldon wasn't sure the four months he had spent on the road had opened his eyes to anything other than the fact that his love for trains had been widely overrated.

The second scenario had only Leonard and Penny waiting for him, wedding bands on their fingers and smiles on their faces. They would take him to eat an ice cream and, after he'd filled his stomach with the strawberry and vanilla delight, they would take a deep breath and tell him about everything that had changed in his absence. They had gotten married, obviously, and had decided to live in 4A. "We've moved all your stuff to 4B," Leonard would say, and Sheldon's face would turn into a grimace. "Don't worry, we've packed the comic books with extra care," Penny would explain, misreading the expression on Sheldon's face, and Leonard would nod enthusiastically. "You're going to love it, there – Penny even agreed to properly clean up the place." Penny would then proceed to tell she'd found an amazing role, maybe something on the next _Avengers_ movie, or the upcoming season of _Game of Thrones_, and that once she had finished shooting, Leonard and her would try to make a baby. Leonard would then inform him that Siebert had said that once he had finished goofing off on the railways, Sheldon was expected back at Caltech to resume his work on String Theory. Sheldon – literally livid at this point of the conversation – would protest that he had found a new field of study he liked, but Leonard would dismiss that, "Siebert won't care," and Sheldon would whimper. The last straw, though, would be Penny saying "Amy moved on, too. She had a make over, found herself a new boyfriend a week after your departure, and they're now expecting twins."

That was the scenario that kept him up at night, the one that twisted his stomach in knots, and that he didn't like to think about, like, _at all_.

The third scenario – perhaps the most likely of all, as Leonard and Penny were probably too busy sucking off each other's face or discussing wedding cakes – involved only Amy. Waiting for him with her arms crossed beneath her chest and an unreadable facial expression, she would silently help him take all the things he had accumulated on his travels to her car. The ride home would be silent and uncomfortable and, whenever Sheldon tried to talk, she would just glare at him and not answer. After a while, Sheldon would realize she wasn't taking him to Los Robles Avenue, and that scenario had several possible endings.

The first would be a _literal _ending, as she would drive him into the desert, shoot him, and bury him deep in the sand, revenge for walking out on her and breaking her heart. It was highly unlikely, but Sheldon had awoken from that nightmare covered in sweat and shivering like a leaf more than once over the last few months.

The second ending was much less deadly, although it still involved unnecessary amounts of bodily harm. She would take him to her place, and start hitting him everywhere – each punch to his arm, his face, his stomach a day he had spent far from her, not calling her. Sheldon would take the hits stoically, knowing deep down that he deserved them, and would then walk out of her life, finally setting her free to move on. This was what a Buddhist monk he had met in New Jersey had told him he should do (minus the hitting part – that one had been inspired by re-runs of _Without A Trace _on TV) – "This woman obviously wants more than you will ever be able to offer her," he had said. "Staying with her is a selfish act. If you truly love her, you _will_ let her go." It was heartbreaking, somehow, but Sheldon knew it was probably what would have to happen. If there was one thing he'd realized on his travel, it was that he loved Amy very much – he just wasn't sure it was ever going to be enough for her.

The third ending to that scenario was a happier, and thus highly unrealistic one. After arriving at her Glendale apartment, Amy, ever the dutifully perfect girlfriend, would cook him a meal of spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it. This would be the last proof Sheldon needed, the one he had known he would get even if he had been half hoping he never would – the proof of Amy's unconditional love for him. No matter what, she would always be there for him, even through the changes, a constant in his life that he would never let out of his sight ever again. Following the advice of a hippie who had talked his ears off in Oregon, he would sneak behind her while she was stirring tomato sauce in a pot, sliding his arms around her hips, and he would kiss her on the neck, nibbling at her skin, inhaling her scent, nuzzling her hair. He would let his hands travel her curves, mentally comparing her breasts to the mountains he'd failed to climb and the small of her back to the lakes he'd almost drowned in on his own journey. But he'd know, then, that Amy's body would never be dangerous like these mountains and lakes had been. It would have taken him four months – four years, really – but he would know by now – _Amy was the key to his happiness_. He would turn her around, and she would look at him, hope, uncertainty and love dancing in her green eyes, and he would kiss her long and hard and firm and he would unbutton her cardigan without letting go of her lips, only breaking off their kiss to take off his own shirts. He would push her to her couch – the one that had seen their first kiss – and have his way with her there and then. Four years of pent up frustration, both emotional and sexual, that would culminate there and then, as he would finally slide home. Amy would come first and he would join her soon after, and they'd be spent and happy and finally, _finally _free.

Sheldon never really liked to dwell on how much he liked this scenario, a scenario that had sometimes plagued him in the shower or in bed late at night. He always tried to reason himself – _Sheldon_, _hippies and psychics know nothing. If Amy really were the key to your happiness, you'd know it because you are smarter than anyone will ever be_ – but it was still there, at the back of his mind.

Truth be told, four months after his departure, Sheldon wasn't quite sure how he felt yet, but he figured that whatever feeling would surface when he first saw his friends and/or Amy on the platform would be the one he was going to act up on. These scenarios were just that, after all. The reality of the situation would drive him more than fantasies ever would. Especially since, as he stepped down onto the platform, the reality turned out to be one he had not expected at all – _no one _was waiting for him.

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**A/N:** thank you for reading! Want to know a secret? Reviews make me write faster. ;)


	2. The Bus Ride Agitation

**A/N:** woah, what a response to the first installment of that story. It's quite scary, actually, but also very flattering, that you liked it so much! I wrote extra fast for you guys, and have decided to publish shorter chapters more often rather than more lenghty ones less often. Although do not expect an update every day either, but I'll try to make it reasonably quick every time.

Once again, big thanks to Katie for beta-reading this.

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**Chapter One**

**The Bus Ride Agitation**

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The first thought that ran through Sheldon's mind, as it became obvious that none of his friends had decided to come to the train station and welcome him back into his old life was, "Well, that was rather anticlimactic." Truth be told, he had been anxiously waiting for this moment ever since he had first set foot on the train that had taken him out of Pasadena; there was a pang of sadness, there – he had been looking forward to seeing all of his friends again, and now he realized that the feeling had possibly not been mutual. Sheldon knew he was the one to blame, as he had never been very good at telling the people in his life that he _did _appreciate them, but he had hoped – he had _thought_ – that they had somehow learnt to read between the lines. He hadn't been upset at them, not really. Of course, his breakdown had been triggered by Penny and Leonard's engagement, and by Amy's proposition of their living together, and by Stuart being dumb enough to let his store burn to the ground, but he knew that deep down, he had only snapped because of problems he had created himself in his own head. To quote one of his favorite book series, he had the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.

Sheldon had hoped they would know he cared for them, but then again, he had to hand it to them – running away was clearly sending mixed signals. He probably didn't deserve to get mad at them for being mad at him. Or maybe they _had _read between the lines, and they were just trying to give him a taste of his own medicine for a short while. Maybe they had decided to let him trek back to Los Robles Avenue and had organized a welcome back party at 4A. Sheldon could feel the corners of his mouth tug a little upwards at the thought.

His sort-of-good mood didn't last long, however, when the realization that his friends being absent meant he would have to take the bus. It had been one thing to do it before he left, empty-handed and an urge to get out of town banging against his ribcage, but he had accumulated both so much stuff and so much anticipation on his trip that it would prove to be a nightmare to get home. He started to resent Leonard and Penny, just a little, but he _knew _he had kind of deserved it, so he decided to make lemonade out of this bus-shaped lemon and consider the bus ride like the final step of his very own coming of age adventure.

It had been an interesting summer to say the least. Sheldon had never really been on his own before, especially not in this way. He valued solitude, of course, and before Leonard came into his life, he had always thought that he would never be close to someone who wasn't his mother or his Meemaw, but the facts were there: for over thirty years, Sheldon had been incapable of taking care of himself. He had never told him, because Sheldon didn't say things like that, but he needed Leonard just as much as he needed Kholinar to get through his everyday life. That was part of the reason why he had reacted so strongly to Leonard's suggestion that they should part ways as roommates. Leonard had been in his life for over ten years and, as tedious as he was at times, he had grown to be an essential constant for Sheldon. He had needed Leonard, because he could not drive, because he was incapable of changing a light bulb on his own, because he had no idea how to properly cut pineapples.

But Sheldon knew that these four months spent taking care of himself had prepared him for whatever may come next – he had only stopped in Galveston, Texas twice, after all. He had been forced – _had forced himself –_ to grow up quicker than he had during that year in Germany or the couple of years before he met Leonard. There was still a question mark on many aspects of his life – where was he going to live? Would he be allowed to switch his field of study? Where did he and Amy stand now? Had Stuart's store been re-opened? – but he finally knew the answer to the question that had plagued his mind as he left: yes, he was going to be okay.

So Sheldon put on a smile, grabbed all his bags, and set off to catch that bus.

His patience quickly wore thin, however, as it became obvious that the population of Pasadena had only become bigger and louder in the four months he had been away. Getting to the bus stop proved to be a challenge all on its own, and it was only a few meters away from the train station! The bus ride itself, of course, turned out to be even worse. No available seat, which forced Sheldon to stand up, his bags spilling out of his arms and on his shoulders, the putrid breathing of a very suspiciously looking man on his neck, and the elbows of an obese woman in his face. But Sheldon forced himself to breathe, reaching into that hidden resource of strength no one suspected he had, the one that had helped him go through his sister's labor and these four months on the road. He wasn't going to go mad _now_, not when he was less than a half hour away from settling back into his old life. The scary stuff would come soon enough, though, when he would have to deal with the consequences of his running away and not giving any news for four months on his relationship with Amy.

Staying strong didn't mean staying calm, though, and by the time he reached Los Robles, Sheldon had been elbowed in the face far too many times, his toes had been stepped on at least twice as much, and the weight of all his belongings was threatening to murder his back. He was, truth be told, in a foul mood, and long gone was the admission that he had deserved being left stranded at the train station by his friends. The only thought running through his mind as he pushed the lobby door open was that he would not grace them with his presence at the welcome back party. He was going to walk into there, superbly ignore his friends' cheers, go straight to his room, and would only come out after they would extend their most sincere apologies.

(And he would only give his own if theirs sounded sincere enough, thank you very much.)

After struggling to climb a few steps with all his bags, Sheldon decided to leave most of them down in the lobby. He would come back later to bring them upstairs one by one – there was no point in killing himself by falling down the stairs when he was so close to being back home. He breathed in and out three times, and then slowly began to make his way up the stairs, the final ascension of a martyr in exile, unmet expectations and impossible hopes stomping in his mind, foreign feelings and a comforting familiarity dancing in his heart. And then, after what felt like a hundred years but had only been five minutes, he finally reached the fourth floor.

His heart was beating so fast Sheldon felt it could burst out of his ribcage, his palms were all sweaty and his legs were shaking. Physical manifestations of the turmoil inside of him, of all the fears he had about settling back into his life, of all the rage he felt because even after all this time his friends didn't know what he needed from them, of all the frustration he had felt at himself for never being patient or brave enough – it was all coming together now, and Sheldon felt as if he might faint from the weight of it.

He decided to press his ear against the door to make out who was here – Amy, perhaps? – And who wasn't – Kripke, he hoped. The apartment was dead silent, however, which sort of made sense if they wanted to throw him a surprise party. The reassurance that everyone was impatiently waiting for him was enough to stop his shaking, and Sheldon forced himself to take three deep breaths, his fist so tightly wrapped around his key that he was sure it was going to leave a scar in the flesh of his palm. Slowly, he inserted the piece of metal into the keyhole, and when he heard the characteristic _click_, he pushed the door open. The lights were completely out and the curtains drawn, making the whole room dark. Sheldon breathed in, and turned on the lights.

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**A/N:** nothing much has happened for now, but things should happen in the next chapter. Stay tuned, and as always - reviews make me write faster!


	3. The Vandalism Discovery

**A/N**: thank you all so much for all the reviews! I don't usually privately answer to them because I never know what to say that wouldn't be redundant (one can only say "thank you very much so many times") but if you ever have any question I will do my best to answer! I'm really glad y'all are enjoying this.

Another shout out to Katie for flawlessly correcting my messy mistakes.

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**Chapter 2**

**The Vandalism Discovery**

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It was like falling into a scary, dark, never-ending hole. Sheldon was trying to claw at the walls to stop his interminable fall, but the earth was dry and he couldn't hold onto it, dirt covering his hands as he fell faster and deeper, faster and deeper, faster and deeper. Sheldon closed his eyes, willing for the nightmare to end, and then _finally_, after what had seemed like a hundred years, he felt the air getting knocked out of his lungs as his back hit the bottom of the hole. His eyes snapped open, but there was no light. Darkness surrounded him from all sides, as he couldn't see the surface of the earth anymore, now a long way above him.

_No one_. No one was there. This was the train station all over again, except that this time, it was worse, because there were no excuses for his friends not being there. This was the train station all over again, except that this time, it was worse. This was supposed to be his home, and it had turned into madness.

Where he had expected to find his friends and his girlfriend happily smiling and welcoming him back into his life, Sheldon found nothing but trash. All over the living room, on the couch, on the coffee table, on the floor, on the desks, on _his spot_ – it was all covered in empty takeaway containers and used tissues. The whole place smelled rotten, and Sheldon suddenly felt very sick. Fighting the urge to throw up, he slowly walked into the room, his feet stepping on countless McDonald's bags and Chinese food boxes.

"Dear Lord," he murmured to himself, a hand on his chest.

There were a number of possible explanations to this, and each one of them sounded worse than the last.

a) Penny had moved in and brought with her the filthy habits she had demonstrated over the years. 4B had never gotten _that _bad, but Sheldon figured it might have been because she kept her standards higher for him. With him gone, however, she could have decided to unleash her inner slob to its full potential. This called for a number of questions, though. First, what was Leonard doing? Surely he had to be bothered by this complete and utter chaos. Why wasn't he saying anything? Why was he unable to keep is woman in line? Then, was the whole apartment like this? Sheldon had no doubt that if this was the state of the living room and kitchen, Leonard and Penny's bedroom would be _at least _twice as bad, but what about his _own_ room? Had she slept in his bed on nights where Leonard couldn't take her snoring? Had she _eaten_ in his bed, covering it in crumbs and cookie wrappers? Had she had the audacity to spread her filth up to _his sanctuary_?

b) Leonard and Penny had moved out of the apartment, and in their absence, a gang of squatters had taken over it and were now making his home a living hell. Sheldon could almost see them, sitting on his spot, smoking joints and cigarettes, consuming alcohol and throwing up in the sink, in the bathtub, in the bins. But then, where had Leonard and Penny moved? Had they left his name on the lease and his stuff in his room? Had the squatters trashed everything the way they had in the living room? And if they had taken his name off the lease, why had they left all of the living room furniture? Had they left his stuff in his room too? If not, where had they taken it? He had over a thousand comic books back in his room, and what about his movie memorabilia, his clothes, his hard drives, his posters? What about his _life_? Who did they think they were, to be forcing him to move out of a flat they didn't even intend to live in?

c) This was revenge. Sheldon would have called it a prank, except that it was way too much to only be that. This was something else entirely. Something made to hurt Sheldon – overneat, germaphobic Sheldon – to his very core. This was revenge for leaving without a word, this was revenge for not giving any news for four months, this was revenge for throwing everything off a loop. But who was it? It couldn't have been Leonard and Penny – they'd looked okay with his leaving – Penny had even been more than eager to let him go. Or was it possible that they had changed their mind at some point during these four months? Maybe they had decided that Sheldon _did _deserve a punishment, and this was what they had come up with. Would Sheldon find them in 4B, spying on him and snickering at his reaction? And what if this infernal chaos had _not _been Leonard and Penny's doing? What if it had been someone else's? Sheldon didn't want to allow himself to think it, but there was only one other person who could have been angry enough to pull this off. Bernadette, Howard and Rajesh probably didn't care enough – he was actually willing to bet that Wolowitz had done a dance of joy when Leonard and Penny had told him about his departure. But then... what had _she_ done with Leonard and Penny? The living room furniture and kitchen appliances were still there, so, surely, they hadn't moved out. A shudder ran through Sheldon – would he find Leonard and Penny's dead, decomposed body somewhere down the hallway, murdered in a fit of rage? He knew this was highly unlikely and he blamed these damn _Without a Trace _re-runs for his paranoia, but Amy _had _offered to kill Priya for him and Alex for Penny, in the past. Could it be that within her ran a rage that was strong enough to lead her to this? And if she hadn't killed them, then where were they? Had they already gotten married while he was away and had gone on an extended honeymoon? Had they seen the light and realized that 4A had been his apartment first and had decided to live elsewhere, perhaps in 4B or even in a new house? Or had they been _helping _Amy to trash this place? Were the three of them in Glendale now, monitoring his reactions via government cameras that Wolowitz had stolen for them? Were Bernadette, Howard and Raj laughing with them, too?

Sheldon forced himself to breathe. Standing there would not answer any of the questions that were running in his brain and banging against his skull. He needed to act, and quick. Walking on a sea of cheeseburger wrappers, he first headed to his room. He stopped by the door for a couple of seconds, mentally trying to brace himself for the worst, and pushed the door open.

As he stepped in his room, he let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. Everything was just as he had left it – his curtains hadn't even been drawn, and sunlight was flooding his room. There was a thick cover of dirt everywhere due to four months of disuse, but that wasn't something that couldn't be fixed with a cloth and some polish. It was weird, being back here – the last time he'd been in this room, he had been a different man, but his room, his sanctuary, hadn't changed at all. It felt uncomfortable, somehow, like clothes you can't quite fit in after the winter holidays and all the Christmas/New Year's eating. It was familiar but inadequate, somehow. Like it was pulling him back to a time he had decided to move on from. Sheldon had always thought that he'd be elated to go back to his room after four months away from it, that one of the first thing he'd do on his return would be to pull out one of his favorite comic books from a box and to settle comfortably on his bed to read it, but this idea didn't seem so appealing now – especially not when he still had many questions to answer.

Before going to Leonard's room, Sheldon peeked into the bathroom. It was dirty, like it hadn't been cleaned in weeks, but it didn't take long for Sheldon to notice that there was no trace of Penny's make up, soaps and shampoos. That was peculiar – shouldn't she have brought her stuff with her if she had moved in?

Frowning, Sheldon quickly walked to Leonard's room. He decided to knock, just in case, although he doubted anyone would answer.

_Knock knock knock. _"Leonard?" _Knock knock knock. _"Leonard?" _Knock knock knock. _"Leonard?"

Sure enough, he was only answered with silence, and Sheldon pushed the door open. He almost wished he never had.

The room was plunged in the dark much in the same way the living room had been when he first walked into the flat, and the smell was absolutely horrible. Pinching his nose with his fingers, Sheldon's other hand felt the wall, looking for the light switch. When finally it found it after a few seconds, Sheldon closed his eyes, preparing himself for the worst, and turned the lights on. He waited a few seconds before opening his eyes... only to find himself staring back at someone who looked like he could have been Leonard.

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**A/N: **eek what the hell happened in 4A?! And where on earth is everyone?! I'm curious to hear about your theories, so as always: review please! :D


	4. The Hofstadter Deterioration

**A/N**: So many theories! I'm actually rather impressed, some of you have some elements right, but no one has found out yet _how _things came to be this way. Although that's not your fault, since the _how _is going to be yet another cliffhanger in an upcoming chapter. ;)

As always, thanks to Katie for her express, flawless beta reading skills. Any remaining mistakes are entirely mine as I rewrote bits and pieces after she sent the beta'ed version back to me.

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**Chapter Three**

**The Hofstadter Deterioration**

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Paradoxically, this Leonard lookalike – who was currently lying on his bed, on top of the covers – didn't look much like Leonard at all. The essentials were there – his glasses, his short size, the color of his eyes – but everything else was completely... _off_.

"Leonard?" Sheldon asked, bewildered, just as Leonard sat up and asked "Sheldon?"

"Dear Lord, what happened to you?" The words had come out of Sheldon's mouth before he had been able to stop them, and he realized the moment he had spoken them that they were probably very rude, but Sheldon was shocked – who knew four months could change someone so much?

"Stuff," Leonard said nonchalantly with a shrug. "Life."

"Or food," Sheldon deadpanned, finally understanding who had eaten all the takeaway food from the containers he had found all over the living room.

Over the years, Sheldon had put up with every single one of Leonard's idiosyncrasies as much as he had been able to. He had sat through thermostat changes, the "I thought it'd be nice to have crunchy peanut butter instead of the regular one" phases; he had forced himself to accept Leonard's _Babylon 5 _DVD collection on their shared shelves. He had taken many imaginary trips to the Grand Canyon to vent his frustration, and he had tried to be aware of the fact that Leonard would always be a very common, very frustrating person.

But this was taking it too far. Leonard had turned their house into one of Sheldon's recurring, worst nightmare, and he had forgotten himself to the point of no return. The worst wasn't even his new obesity, for all the obese people Sheldon had ever known still managed to take care of themselves properly. No, the worst was... Sheldon wasn't even sure if it was the greasy beard or the stains on his clothes or the smell in his room. It was probably all three. But none of these things were as bad as the empty, dead look in his eyes. It was like looking at a stranger, a familiar stranger.

"I'm glad you're back, Sheldon" Leonard said before settling back on his bed. "Please turn off the light and close the door behind you when you walk out."

Sheldon could feel his eyebrows shot upwards. Before getting to 4A, he had been expecting a hug with Leonard. While he now refused to touch Leonard unless he took about a hundred showers, he still resented his best friend's lack of enthusiasm. "Really? Four months apart and that's all you have to say? Four months during which you've turned into an even bigger slob that Penny? Unless she's gone filthy and obese too, that is."

Leonard groaned, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, well a lot has changed in four months."

"I can see that!" Sheldon shouted. "Honestly, Leonard, what on earth? I walked into our home only to find out it had been transformed into a waste-sorting center! Or the fiery pits of hell, I'm not quite sure! Probably both come to think of it!"

This was madness. This was utter and complete _madness_. Sheldon had imagined a wide array of scenario for his settling back into his life, but this wasn't something he would have even ever _begun to think _could happen.

There was a logical explanation, of course – his absence had caused Leonard so much pain that he had plunged into a depression. "I'm gonna miss you," he had said as they had exchanged their goodbyes at the train station, and clearly he had. Yes, it was a logical explanation, but at the same time, it really wasn't because where on earth were all of their friends? They used to meet up every other night for food and video game nights and/or movie nights – surely they couldn't have left Leonard rot alone. And what about his fiancée?Penny should have been there to console Leonard, especially after everything Leonard had done for her over the years. She loved him – or so she said – and was planning to spend the rest of her life with Leonard – she _had_ to be there for him, didn't she? Where was she, now? Were Leonard and her living together? Had she decided to go out to escape the madness of 4A? Or did she still live in 4B? How much did she know about the state of the apartment? And what about Leonard _himself_? Penny was not the sharpest tool in the shed but _surely _she had to notice that the man she slept with had gotten fatter and filthier over the past few months, right?

Not to mention that the severity of Leonard's reaction was frightening. Sheldon had always known he was essential in Leonard's life. There was a reason why his friend had stuck with him through everything, never mind how he had complained weekly about him for the past ten years. Sheldon had always figured that Leonard needed him just as much as Sheldon needed Leonard – he simply hadn't thought that his going away would send Leonard on such a downwards spiral.

Leonard, though, didn't seem to agree with Sheldon's conclusion. "Oh, _please_" he said, rolling his eyes. "I know that look on your face. Don't flatter yourself, Sheldon. I didn't eat the pain caused by your departure away."

Sheldon looked around him silently, and suddenly, everything clicked. The fact that Penny hadn't said anything about the state of 4A or her fiancé's filthiness; the lack of Penny's products in the bathroom; the absence of anything of hers in Leonard's room; the fact that she hadn't been there to welcome Sheldon back into his old life... Of course – it all made sense.

"No, you ate away the pain caused by your break up with Penny," he whispered, finally connecting the dots.

Leonard looked down at his hands, and that was all the confirmation Sheldon needed. "What happened?" he asked. The last time he had seen Leonard and Penny, they had been newly engaged, a pretty ring shining on Penny's hand as she had intertwined her fingers with Leonard. Heck, one of the reasons Sheldon had needed to get out of town had been their engagement and the discussion of their new living arrangements. Four months ago, Leonard and Penny had been planning a life together – what could possibly have happened in such a short time to drive them apart?

"I don't want to talk about it," Leonard said, and Sheldon almost said, "We need to, this house has gone to hell and so have you!" but he didn't. There had been a time he would probably have made a sarcastic comment about Penny finally realizing what a dead end her relationship with Leonard was. There had been a time he would have pointed out that this outcome had only been unavoidable. There had been a time he would have been a selfish brat about it, only seeing the break up as something that had ruined his own life by bringing filth and chaos to his apartment. But this was not a time for that. Arthur's words still resonated within him. _Appreciate them, Sheldon_, he had said, and he did, Sheldon really did. Sheldon was bothered by the chaos, of course – the first thing he'd do would be scrubbing the entire place and his own skin raw– but he realized that this was a time to prioritize his friend's feelings.

Leonard clearly needed help, and Sheldon would try to give it to him, but for now, his friend had expressed a desire to be alone. Sheldon had to respect that and, besides, he doubted he would find anything to make him a hot beverage in the apartment. He would have to walk to a coffee shop, or a maybe gas station.

So Sheldon simply said "Okay" and left the room, turning off the lights and closing the door behind him.

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**A/N: **I know it may seem unrealistic that Leonard would spiral into depression so quickly, but I have always thought that Leonard is always one bad thing away from completely snapping. I see him as one of the most unhappy characters on the show, and I think that if TBBT weren't a sitcom, this would be a logical development for his character. Not to mention that, as someone who has both suffered and known people who suffered from depression, I can guarantee you that this is an illness who can affect even the most well-adjusted of people.

Anyway. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. As always, reviews make me write faster!


	5. The Cold Tea Dilemma

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay! It was the Francis/Mary week over at tumblr last week and I was busy making gifsets. Then T_he Normal Heart_ happened and it ruined my life. How incredible was Jim in that movie?

You've been waiting long enough, so I'll see you after the chapter for a few clarifications. And as always, thank you to Katie for beta reading!

* * *

**Chapter Four**

**The Cold Tea Dilemma**

* * *

When he had first decided that it was time for him to go back to Pasadena, Sheldon had made a list of things he needed to do upon arriving home:

a) Stand his ground against Leonard and Penny concerning their living arrangements. Four months on the road had shown him that he could live on his own and he no longer was clinging to the idea of living with Leonard, but his roommate's suggestion that Sheldon moved in across the hall had haunted him all summer. There was no way Sheldon would leave 4A. It was _his_ home, he had lived had longer than Leonard had. Sheldon had decided that he would go as far as taking legal actions if the happy couple were to resist his perfect logic. Leonard's name was on the lease too, but Sheldon lived there _first_ and there was probably some sort of law _somewhere_ that would grant him reason.

b) Stand his ground against Siebert. "We recruited you to work on String Theory," he'd said "your grant is for String Theory, you are one of our only two String theorists. You are not changing the focus of your career." Siebert had been categorical and visibly set on never changing his mind, but Sheldon's brain was one of the greatest of the twenty first century – surely Siebert wasn't stupid enough to let him go because of what could only be considered technicalities. If Sheldon threatened to purely and simply quit, to go to another university, one that would value his work more, Siebert would have no choice but letting Sheldon change his field of studies, right?

c) Stand his ground against Stuart. He had never tried to keep the fact that he had grown to loathe his comic book store a secret, and Sheldon feared that he would take this opportunity to definitely put it behind him. With the insurance money in his pocket, who knew what Stuart was likely to do? Maybe he would decide to go back to school to further his degree in art, or maybe he would decide to travel the world, or maybe he would buy an animal shelter and spend the rest of his days helping out stray cats and abandoned dogs. All of these possible outcomes were simply unacceptable for Sheldon. If Stuart didn't re-open his comic book, the worst would happen. What if instead they opened a day care center for children, or even one of these beautician things Penny was crazy about? No, Sheldon could not let this happen. He needed the comic book store if he wanted to go on with his life. Stuart would have to re-open it no matter what his feelings on the topic were.

d) And then, of course, there was Amy. Whenever he visualized his list of things to do, the biggest question mark was always the one tacked onto Amy's name. The last time he had spoken to her had been a couple of days after his departure. He had called in to say he was fine, and the sound of her voice had been like a knife to his chest, bringing him back to the last time he had seen her in person. He had dreaded calling her again, so he had found every excuse possible – dead battery, no cell phone reception, fascinating book – to delay the second call. Days had turned into weeks, weeks had turned into two months, and Sheldon had then decided to stop beating himself up about it. And then, sometime in his third month away, while riding a train between Texas and Florida, he had had the strangest dream, one in which he had been trapped in a fire – perhaps Stuart's comic book store's – and unable to escape. He had been dying, suffocating, the regrets of all the things he had never been able to do or say banging in his ribcage. And then, just as he had accepted the fate of his imminent death, Amy had walked into the burning building, dressed up as firewoman, and she had put out the fire with Strawberry Quick. Sheldon had woken up with a bang, the words "the syrup is better" echoing in his mind. It had taken him an encounter with a Buddhist monk to make sense of that dream. From that moment, the Amy question had had two possible answers – he would either grow into the man she wanted him to be, the one he _knew _he needed to be if he were to ever be truly happy, the one who embraced the syrup and everything it had to offer even if it was the scariest thing he had ever done, or he would either stay the same, the one who could never make her happy, the one would never be happy _himself, _the one who would cling to the powder no matter what because that was all he knew. No matter what the outcome of this dilemma, things with Amy would never be the same – they would either take their relationship to levels neither of them had ever thought possible, or they would purely and simply break up on the spot.

All in all, these four months had been among the longest in Sheldon's life. He wasn't even sure that the twelve years he had spent in Galveston before going off to college had ever seemed that long. And when he had decided to go back to Pasadena, his trepidation had been the highest it had been since that time Howard had told him he could meet Stephen Hawking. So many things he had planned to do, to say, to argue about, but none of them had been what he had actually ended up doing: cleaning up his whole apartment.

Sheldon had been back at 4A for almost five hours when he finally got rid of the last cheeseburger wrapper. Two hours later, he had swept, washed, polished every inch of the living room and the kitchen. Another hour, and the bathroom was spotless. That was when Sheldon decided he needed both a break and to get to the bottom of things with Leonard. After looking in the cupboards for a while, it soon became obvious that all the tea bags that had once been kept in the lovely box Amy had gotten him for his birthday had been either drunk or thrown away. Sighing, Sheldon grabbed his keys, locked the entrance door behind him, and set off to find an open coffee shop.

Walking through the streets of Pasadena, his mind, which had been entirely focused on cleaning for the last ten hours, took him back to the conversation he had had with Leonard. One question remained: what could possible have gone wrong between Penny and Leonard? Sure, Sheldon now knew better than anyone that four months could change a man – there had been a time Sheldon would have been terrified about being out after dark on his own, for example, yet there he was, looking for an open coffee shop at 11 PM – but _he _had been the one to go on a life changing trip. _He _had been the one to travel far from his friends, far from his girlfriend, far from his job, far from his spot, far from his _life. _Leonard and Penny and everyone else were supposed to stay just as they were, so he could find everything in its right place when he came back.

And he had truly thought he would come back to find everything just the way it had always been, because even if Leonard and Penny had decided that he had to move to 4B, Sheldon knew he could have won his apartment back. He could have talked them out of this silly plan, his brilliant logic forcing them to admit he was the one who deserved 4A. Or he could have sued them, if it had had to go that far. Hell, he could probably have simply annoyed them so much that they would have agreed to leave him both the apartment and Leonard's rare comic books, the ones he had always had his eye on. It would have been rocky the first couple of weeks, settling back into life at Los Robles Avenue, but Sheldon knew it would have eventually worked again.

But now, Leonard and Penny were no longer an item, Leonard had sunk so deep into a depression that he didn't even look like himself anymore, and Penny had just... vanished into thin air. He had knocked at her door, just after leaving Leonard alone that morning, and the person who had answered his _knock, knock, knock Penny _had certainly not been Penny. "If you're looking for the previous tenant," the old Japanese man who had answered the door had said, "I don't know where she lives now. If you find her, tell her that she needs to change her magazine subscriptions. I don't read _Cosmo_."

Sheldon had been walking for almost twenty minutes when he finally spotted an open coffee shop. Whatever he was going to get Leonard, it would probably get cold on his way back, but Sheldon figured that for once, he could commit the blasphemy of re-heating a tea gone cold in the microwave. Pushing the door open, Sheldon walked to the counter, where a single employee, a blonde woman, was writing something on a notepad, her back turned to him. Sheldon waited there for almost a whole minute before she finally turned to him, and then the whole world went black.

"Sheldon!" Penny screamed, leaping up over the counter and tackling him to the ground in a bear hug.

* * *

**A/N: **All right, now, on to a few things that have come up in reviews.

First, to the people who have pointed out that the gang would never have let Leonard live that way for so long: you are absolutely right. The fic may seem OOC for now as far as the gang is concerned, but there is an explanation as to why no one helped him out. I can't say more for now, but it will all make sense later on.

Secondly, an anonymous reviewer asked me to "Make sure that this is a Shamy story." I can think of two reasons why you would ask that:

a) You're afraid it's going to go the Shenny or even Shelnard route. That's not gonna happen. I think it's no secret for anyone who has been reading on this website for more than six months: I am a huge Shamy shipper. If this fic is the first time you read anything by me, then I'm telling you: this won't turn out to be a Shamy turned Shenny story (nevermind that hug at the end of the chapter).

b) Now if your concern is with the fact that Sheldon has been talking to Leonard/cleaning up the place/trying to cheer up his friend before he even attempted to call or go to Amy, then I'm afraid you're right - this won't be a Shamy fic in the sense that it won't be just about Sheldon trying to get Amy back. It's going to be a big part of the fic, of course, later on, but for reasons that will become clearer in a couple of chapters, Sheldon has a lot of work to do first with his friends if he wants to ever have a chance of getting Amy back. This will be a Shamy story, yes, but it will also be a gang story and, more importantly, a "Sheldon isn't being given any pass anymore and now has to face the consequences of his actions". So if you were looking for fifty chapters of just Sheldon trying to woo Amy back, I'm afraid you're right: this isn't the fic for you. But if you're willing to stick with me through the friendship part of the story, there _will_ be Shamy pay off later on.

Anyway. Now that this is out there, as usual, reviews make me write faster (for real this time, the Frary week is over.)


	6. The Diamond Ring Enigma

**A/N: **I am sorry this took so long! My life has been pretty crazy this past week and a half. I'll try to get in a new chapter before the end of the week, and then there may be a break for a couple of weeks since my beta, Katie, is going on a much deserved vacation, and I'm also going go be away for a few days.

Thank you to Katie for beta reading this so fast!

* * *

**Chapter Five**

**The Diamond Ring Enigma**

* * *

"Dear Lord, woman!" Sheldon cried out as Penny's muscular body was still pining him to the ground. "Quit molesting me already, before I fill out a complaint and give it to your manager."

Sheldon thought she would protest, _aww, come on Sheldon, I haven't had a chance to piss you off for the last four months_, because, well, that was the kind of thing Penny did, but she surprised him by getting off his body instantly. When she was back on her feet, she extended a hand to Sheldon, and as he grabbed it, he saw her eyebrows shoot high on her forehead, a physical manifestation of her surprise. Sheldon rolled his eyes, internally muttering that after spending so much time cleaning up the apartment, even Penny's germy hands didn't seem so bad. He still reached into his pocket for his hand sanitizer as soon as he was standing again, and Penny smirked.

"That's my Sheldon," she said, and when Sheldon rolled his eyes again, she added "What? I missed you, okay?"

Sheldon knew the polite thing to say would have been "I missed you too," but it simply wasn't true. Not that he didn't care for Penny, because, somehow, deep down, he did care for her, but he had known that he would see his friends again very soon, and he had known that things would go back just to the way they had always been, and so he hadn't been plagued by their absence.

The only person he had missed had been Amy, because there had been that big question mark on her face every time he had thought of her, because there had been these feelings of guilt gnawing at his conscience every time he had made up yet another excuse not to call her, because there had been regrets running through his veins every time he had remembered the last time he had seen her. And there had also been times when he had missed her just because. Whenever he had seen a cardigan in a department store or caught a whiff of her dandruff shampoo on a bus or heard the sound of a harp in a restaurant, he had thought of her wide smile, of her sparkling green eyes, of her warm embrace, and he had hated himself a little. Things would have been so much simpler if he had been a simpler man. He could have loved Amy the way she wanted him to – the way she _needed _him to. He could have loved Amy simply and freely and he would have spent that summer by her side, completely foreign to the feelings of guilt and longing that had eaten his mind.

"So you're not gonna say 'I missed you too' then?" Penny said, looking offended, but her voice indicated that she didn't mind it that much. Sheldon figured that she knew him by now. "When did you get back?" she asked, and then remembered that she was supposed to be working. "Oh right, did you want to order anything?" she added as she walked back behind her counter.

Sheldon took a step closer, looking at the drink suggestions over her head, and said, "I got back this morning, and I'm going to order two chamomile teas." Penny nodded, and when she grabbed two mugs, and Sheldon realized she thought he was staying. "To take away," he quickly added, but Penny merely rolled her eyes.

"Oh hell no, Sheldon," she said. "You left four months ago and didn't give me any news. I bet you have a lot to tell me about what you did on the road."

Sheldon chuckled. _Oh, sweet summer child. _"Actually, I don't. I doubt anything I did would be of any interest to you as none of it included nail polish and emojis."

Penny glared at him over the counter. "Well, nice to see some things will never change," she said. "I'm gonna skip over that insult, but I still want to know all about your summer."

"Call me to schedule a discussion on another day, then. I need to leave as soon as those drinks are ready."

These words seemed to suddenly register in Penny's mind. "Wait a minute" she said, her voice perking up and her eyes suddenly brightening. "Who is that second drink for?"

This time, Sheldon could feel his own eyebrows go up in surprise. He knew Penny had never been the sharpest tool in the shed, but _surely _she knew who Sheldon's roommate was. She had lived across the hall from them for seven years. She had slept with Leonard on many, _many_ occasions. She had even been _engaged _to him four months before. How was it possible that she contemplated spending the rest of her life with this man, only to forget all about him less than half a year later?

"_Really? _It's for Leonard, of course."

Something shifted on Penny's face. Sheldon tried to figure out what it meant, but he had never been very good at reading facial expression, and it was lost on him.

"Oh," she said, looking down at her hands. Sheldon followed her eyes and for the first time, he realized she was still wearing her engagement ring. That was odd, to say the least. When he had decided to break up with String Theory, _Cosmo _had advised him to get rid off all reminders of the relationship. Penny had always been an avid reader of the magazine – surely she knew she shouldn't have kept the ring?

Unless she planned to go back to Leonard, eventually, there was no reason for Penny to still be wearing the symbol of an engagement she had broken off. And if she planned to get back with Leonard, then why go through the hassle of a break up? But truth be told, Sheldon doubted Penny was planning to get back with Leonard. She had gone as far as _moving out_, and Leonard's spiral into depression indicated that he _knew _they were broken up for good, that he had no hope of them somehow finding their way back to each other. Her keeping the ring was all very... _bizarre._

After a minute or two of silence during which both Sheldon and Penny kept looking at the ring, she finally said "How... how is he?"

"Well..."

There were two possible answers to this question. Sheldon could lie and pretend that Leonard was fine, or he could tell the truth and admit that Leonard had become the biggest mess since that time he tried to store uranium cakes in the garden shed, back in Texas. And while he didn't know yet what was the best way to answer, Sheldon realized that a few months ago, his answer would have been motivated by selfish reasons. He would have either said that Leonard was fine so he could get the drinks quickly and walk home, or he would have told the truth hoping that Penny would take Leonard back and that his life would go back on track. Things had changed, however, and Sheldon realized that telling Penny that Leonard was fine, or at least as fine as he could, would be sparing Leonard the humiliation of telling the woman who broke his heart just how much she destroyed Leonard, and sparing Penny the guilt of knowing just how much she had hurt him. Telling the truth, on the other hand, would have been standing by his friend, demanding that Penny apologized to Leonard, demanding that she heal his broken heart. Demanding that she heal hers too, probably, as the sound of her voice led him to believe that maybe Leonard wasn't the only one who had been devastated by the break up.

"What happened between you two?" he asked instead, because he wasn't sure yet what he wanted to tell or not tell to Penny. "I left you happily engaged, and I come back to..." He trailed off, not wanting to say too much, but it was too late, and Penny's eyes snapped wide open.

"Oh, my God," she whispered. "He's not well at all, is he?"

"Of course not," Sheldon said now that the cat was out of the bag. "You broke off an engagement, Penny. He thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with you, and then you took it all away. Just like that."

Sheldon had not tried to keep the accusation out of his voice, and Penny slammed her fist on the counter.

"Fuck you, Sheldon!" she shouted, angry tears spilling out. "Fuck you! You think this is easy for me? I miss him terribly, okay? I miss him so much it hurts, it's like someone ripped my fucking heart out!"

She furiously wiped off her tears, and Sheldon frowned. "If you miss him so much, why on earth have you broken up with him? That doesn't make sense, Penny."

Penny snorted. "Don't give me lessons on leaving people you love and missing them, Sheldon, because you're exactly the same."

Sheldon looked at her silently for a few seconds, trying to understand what she meant by that, although a nagging suspicion that the very well knew what the answer to _that _question was had already begun forming in his mind. "What?" he finally breathed, and Penny rolled her eyes.

"Oh, _please_. Don't think I don't know why you didn't give us any news for four fucking months. If it hadn't been for Amy, you would have called every fucking day with some shit to talk about."

Sheldon looked at her for a few seconds, trying to find it in him to lie, to say that he hadn't missed Amy, but what good would that do? Leonard was still a mess, and Penny was still his ex fiancée.

"This has nothing to do with Amy or my feelings for her," he finally said.

Penny, however, didn't seem to agree. Covering her face with her hands, she started crying, her engagement ring shining under the lights of the coffee shop. Sheldon looked at her for what felt like hours, his insides battling between the need to put as much distance as possible between this sobbing mess and him, the duty of staying there to console Penny, and the need to finally get to the bottom of things.

When finally Penny stopped crying, Sheldon asked again. "What happened, Penny?"

She looked at him through her parted fingers for the longest time and when she finally opened her mouth, a nervous laugh escaped through her lips before she could say anything. "God, Sheldon," she then managed to let out, "I... Fuck, you're going to..." Penny breathed in deeply, and her next words – all three of them – dropped between Sheldon and her like a bomb. "Amy is missing."

* * *

**A/N: **ayayay bang bang! Not sure if this is answering some of your questions or creating even more of them, but we're starting to get to the bottom of things.


	7. The French Nonsense Recurrence

**A/N: **Here comes the new chapter! I'm not sure it's going to answer your questions but it gives us some Shamy perspective, so I hope you'll like it.

Extra large thanks to Katie who took time in the middle of all her packing to read and correct this!

* * *

**Chapter Six**

**The French Nonsense Recurrence**

* * *

When Claire Marchand had been told she'd be introduced to her boyfriend's roommate, she probably hadn't expected to meet the most stubborn scientist this side of the Atlantic. "A PhD in French literature? Really? That's what passes as important these days?" Sheldon had said in lieu of greetings, while Leonard had looked close to jumping out of the window. She had simply smiled, though, and told Sheldon that surely someone as clever as him could _not _ignore the "incredible power of words." Sheldon had merely rolled his eyes, but Claire had insisted that words were the most powerful weapons in the world, that they had the power to heal wounds they had opened only moments earlier, that they could spark wars and save lives, that they could build a civilization in a heartbeat and destroy it just as quickly. Sheldon, of course, had laughed. Words were just that – _words_. Literature paraded as an important matter, when it really was just the nest of people with too much ego and not enough brain, the nest of people who wished they were important but could not begin to grasp the splendor of science.

Claire had looked at him silently for several minutes, and then she had said "One day, you'll see." She then had grabbed Leonard's hand, they'd gone out on their date, and two weeks and three encounters with Sheldon later, Leonard's relationship with a woman who had a _PhD in French literature of all things _ended just as abruptly and inexplicably as it had begun. Life had gone on, and Sheldon had forgotten all about Claire Marchand, her French accent and her red glasses – saved for that time Penny had cornered him in the laundry room and asked "Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a brainiac?"

Until he met Amy.

"_Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table."_

One sentence. It had taken one sentence – _twenty four words_ – to tilt his world off its (straight, linear, controlled) axis. He hadn't known, at first, how much these words would change his life – and for the longest time, he had refused to acknowledge that Amy's words had been the reason why he'd let her into his life at all. "It's not what she said – it's _why _she said it. She _knows_, that it's more important to learn and know than it is to kiss and cuddle. I'm not relieved to see that I'm finally, finally proven not to be the only one to think this way – I'm pleased to see that other people know."

As he'd gotten to know Amy, words became harder to ignore. Sometimes Sheldon thought back on that one word that had completely turned his life upside down. _"Fascinating."_ Amy had kissed him, rubbing her germs all over his mouth, and he hadn't cared. It had been _fascinating_. Of all the words known to man, that had been the one to escape his lips before he could even realize he was speaking. The English language was home to words like "disgusting," "revolting," and "nonsensical," but he'd gone with "fascinating." It had been properly terrifying for a while; not understanding where that word had come from, and then he'd had to face the truth.

"_My groin's a little worse for wear," _Leonard had said, and _"He went out for coffee... with a girl," _that Dale character had giggled, and Sheldon's body had been swept under a wave of rage. He had thought back on his argument with Claire, that morning in the shower after he karate chopped, and that evening in his bed after he played _Mystic Warlords of Ka'a _with the guys. "Some day, someone's going say something that is going to make you finally want to stop living your life to its fullest," she had said, and as he had been scrubbing his body and tossing and turning in his bed, he had realized – _that was it._

"_Amy, will you be my girlfriend?" _Sheldon had swallowed hard, the words choking in his throat, and yet, the moment they had rolled off his tongue, they had tasted like the most natural thing in the world. And when Amy had answered, he had remembered Claire's words. "Sometimes, a single word can become the best thing that has ever happened to you," she had said, and when Amy had nodded and murmured _"Yes," _Sheldon had been forced to admit that Claire had been right – _yes _was the single greatest word in the English language.

Sheldon had finally understood – words were all Amy and he had. Because they didn't kiss, or hold hands, and words were the basis of their relationship, the foundations on which lay the happiest years of his life. None of their friends understood, because their relationships had a physical element to it, but Amy and Sheldon were Amy and Sheldon because of reasons that went well beyond that. Claire had been right all along, and for a while, it had been the best thing that had ever happened to Sheldon. But as it turned out, she had also been right when she had said that words could spark wars and destroy lives.

"_You are not changing your field of studies."_

"_We were thinking maybe more of us living together with... not you."_

"_You and I could live together."_

"_I don't mean to be rude, Sheldon, but my life is kind of falling apart right now."_

A chain of random unlinked events, four sentences that crystalized Sheldon's fall into madness and chaos. He had had time to think back on them, as he'd ridden trains and lived off sandwiches and cheap meals in the last four months.

He had remembered Siebert's serious face, and his voice, firm and dead set in his principles, and the way he had put his hands on his desk and leaned forward into Sheldon's space, as if to dare him to challenge him. Siebert's words had had a finality that was probably rooted in his position – he was Sheldon's boss, and he obviously counted on that to keep him in line.

He had remembered Leonard's demeanor, the way he had fidgeted on his chair as he had choked out the words, the redness of his face, the shaking of his hands. Leonard had been uneasy to tell Sheldon about his plans, until Sheldon had decided to fight back – then Leonard had taken a more assertive tone. Sheldon figured it was about time Leonard decided to fight back – truth be told, he'd been walked all over for years. But this Leonard was gone now, replaced by a walking disaster.

He had remembered Amy's eyes, soft and loving as she'd tried to reassure him. She'd told him he'd be fine on his own, and if he really couldn't do it, then she'd be happy to live with him. She'd been foolish, even though she hadn't realized that. Sheldon could not live with her, not like that – Amy could never have been a simple roommate for him. He loved kissing her, and putting his hands on her hips, and breathing in her scent, and holding her hands. God knows what more would have happened if he had been thrust into being by her side 24/7.

He had remembered Stuart's annoyance as Sheldon had made the destruction of his livelihood and home all about himself, the way he'd stood there, broom in hand, sweeping burnt debris and trying to figure out what would happen to him. Stuart hadn't understood that the destruction of his store would not affect only him, though, and it had been what had sent Sheldon over the edge.

Because none of them – not Siebert, not Leonard, not Amy, not Stuart – had understood that it was the accumulation of everything that had broken him down in that way. There had been four sentences, and Sheldon had thought all summer that if there had been only one, he would have been okay. But that was something he wasn't so sure about anymore.

"_Amy is missing." _That was only one sentence – three words – and yet it washed over Sheldon with more force than the rising tide, leaving him numb, his hands shaking, his legs trembling, his heart pounding.

"What?" he finally managed to choke out, and Penny's lips trembled.

"She's... well, she's not _really _missing – the police found her quickly after we told them she'd disappeared – but she... she told them she doesn't want us to know where she is and they had to respect that and..."

Sheldon looked at Penny without really seeing her. _Amy had asked the police to keep her whereabouts a secret._ It seemed so completely out of character, for the woman who he knew had craved friends her whole life, for the friend who treasured her relationship with Penny in a way that had sometimes made him resent the ex-waitress.

"Penny, what on earth happened?"

Penny breathed in – this was going to be a long tale.

* * *

**A/N: **The following chapters will come back on what happened in Pasadena and Glendale while Sheldon was away! You're going to start getting answers, even though I don't doubt that most of you have pretty much figured out what is going on at this point.

There will be a break of a few weeks in the publication, though. Katie is going to Europe for three weeks, and I don't want to post this story without having the chapters beta-read. Besides, I'm myself busy preparing my own trip to France in a couple of weeks. I may come up with a one-shot at some point, though - I have a stupid plot bunny that's been bugging me for a week and could write it down at some point. Not promising anything, but it could happen.

I hope you guys are still enjoying this fanfic. I'm asolutely floored and a little terrified by the popularity of this story, and I really don't want to disappoint. Thank you all so much for tuning in for each new, it means a lot. Special shout out to dranquist who managed to write reviews that are probably longer than my chapters!

See you soon, I hope!

-Marina


	8. The Tex Mex Inconsistency

**A/N:** eheh, guess who had a little extra time just before flying out of the US to correct my chapter? Katie, that's who!

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

**The Tex Mex Inconsistency**

* * *

The sun was high in the sky, people licking ice cream and smiling, and the air heavy with flower scents as Penny and Leonard walked out of the Pasadena train station, hand in hand. The whole scene looked like it had been taken straight from the ending of a romantic movie, and Penny was its heroine. She certainly had both the heart and the history for it, she mused as she looked at the shiny ring on her finger.

Saying that she and Leonard had taken time to get where they were now would have been a euphemism. Their first relationship had certainly crashed to the ground with as much force as her own parents' marriage. He'd been too eager and she'd been too foolish, he'd been too ready and she'd been too afraid – and the best thing that had happened to Penny in a long time had been sacrificed in the name of commitment issues. She'd gone back to dating the same kind of idiots she used to go out with – even though Zack had been a better person than Kurt or Mike would ever dream of being – but she'd known as Zack had kissed her in what they both thought was a fake wedding that nothing would ever compare to what Leonard had given her.

She hadn't known what it was about Leonard that had made him so special until she'd seen him with Priya. The jealousy she'd felt wash over her body had told her everything she needed to know – she'd been in love with him. She hadn't realized it, because her love for Leonard had felt nothing like what she'd experienced before. Loving Leonard hadn't had the thrill of disobeying her parents. Loving Leonard hadn't had the hotheaded feeling of being a bright young star. Loving Leonard hadn't felt dark and dangerous and made her a delicious temptress. Loving Leonard had seemed boring and tedious and too real, but loving Leonard had really been grown up and stable and calm and sensible.

It simply had been a question of timing. Penny hadn't been ready, and when she had finally gotten there, Leonard had already moved on.

Their second relationship had started out better until Leonard had proposed and had sent Penny back into her paranoia and her commitment-phobia. She remembered those couple of months she had considered breaking up with Leonard, and she sometimes wondered what would have happened to her if she'd had the guts to tell him instead of falling for his big sad eyes and sleeping with him. She'd probably be still unknowingly married to Zack, sleeping around to forget how lonely she was. And God knows what would have happened to her career. She was thankful she never broke things off and that Leonard found his way back into her heart – it had been seeing him in his lab that had done it, probably, although she knew that it was her finally saying "I love you" for them to get into the relationship she'd never knew she needed until she got it.

They had hit bumps since, of course, but as she walked out of the train station, Leonard's hand tightly clasped in hers, she realized they had just gotten rid of their biggest problem.

Life with Sheldon had never been easy. Penny had had to accept very early on that dating Leonard also meant, somehow, dating Sheldon. Oh, of course, she did not _sleep _with Sheldon, _thank you very much_ – she actually had to repress a grossed out shiver at the thought – but he was in her life – in her and Leonard's relationship – _way_ too much. And there were times she didn't mind it so much, for, in spite of all his quirks, she genuinely liked Sheldon, but the truth was that most of the time, she just wished Leonard would stop living with Sheldon. She sometimes wondered what route her relationship with Leonard would have taken if he hadn't been Sheldon's roommate. Would Penny have realized earlier that he was the one for her if she hadn't constantly had to mother Sheldon? Would Penny never have given Leonard the time of the day if Sheldon hadn't made Leonard the most attractive mate of the two by being such a pain in the ass? She didn't really know, and truth be told, there was no much more to know now that she was where she was meant to be.

And now with Sheldon gone, Penny and Leonard were finally free to be a couple before they had to be _parents_. Because that was essentially the role they had with Sheldon. Rubbing Vapor Rub on his chest, taking him to Disneyland, buying him new shows, driving him around to the comic book store or to the dentist because he couldn't go on his own – that was what parents did for their children. Penny had realized that way too late, and Leonard and her had been robbed of the honeymoon period of their relationship because they'd been thrust into a world of responsibilities – all of them bearing Sheldon's childish face – way too early.

"Finally got rid of him, eh?" she said, and Leonard looked at her with a smile. She could see his eyes weren't quite in it, though, and she added, "Come on Leonard. You know he'll be fine. He's got a phone and a laptop, if there's a problem he'll just call us, or his mom." She waited a few seconds and added, "Please let it be his mom."

Leonard laughed softly at that, and Penny's heart swelled at the sound. The road might have been long and difficult, but she knew, now, how much she loved this man.

"Do you want to do anything special for our first Sheldon-free evening in years?" he asked, already feeling better, and Penny shrugged.

"Just enjoying the apartment knowing that there's no risk of him barging in at the worst possible moment will be enough, to be quite honest. I am _not _ready to have the sex talk again with him."

The following night, after a day of auditions and as Leonard had just ordered Tex Mex for dinner this evening – _Come on, we never get to eat Tex Mex with Sheldon around!_ – Penny sat on the couch as he went to the bathroom. She took a look around, realizing how things still looked very much the same even though she knew them to be new. She was an engaged woman, now. She was engaged and in a year or so, she would be married. _Mrs Penny Hofstadter_. That name was holding promises of things Penny had never allowed herself to think about, afraid the dream would shatter into millions of pieces, the way it had done before. But that ring on her finger was more than that – it was the guarantee that Leonard loved her, that he'd be there for her, and it was the proof that she loved him back, and that she'd let herself be happy.

Just as Leonard was re-emerging from the bathroom, there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it," Leonard said, and he opened the door to reveal Amy's smiling face.

"Hello Leonard," Amy said as she walked into the living room, taking her bag and jacket off very much in the same way Penny had seen Sheldon do thousands of times over the years. "Hi Bestie," she added as she sat down in the white chair. "I see you're taking my spot, tonight. Sheldon won't like it."

It was then that Penny realized – they hadn't told her about Sheldon leaving. She was suddenly hit with a wave of guilt – _how could they have forgotten to tell her? _And Sheldon apparently hadn't, either – unless she meant that somehow Sheldon would know it from wherever he was. Maybe he was planning on video chatting with them, and Amy knew it. _God, please let it be that._

"Amy," Leonard said carefully, still standing by the door, and Penny could almost feel him weigh the words, trying to choose which one wouldn't hurt, like _that_ was even possible. "Where... Where do you think Sheldon is, exactly?"

"In his room, I imagine, sulking over the facts that Siebert won't let him change his field of study and that you two are getting married," Amy shrugged. "Probably over my suggestion that we move in together," she added, her brow furrowed. "I have no doubt the delicious smell of Thai food will bring him back to us, though" she concluded with a knowing smirk, and had it been just any other day – a day where Sheldon was indeed in his room – Penny would have once more marveled at how well Amy knew Sheldon, at how she seemed to know him better than he ever would.

But this wasn't any other day, and Penny and Leonard exchanged panicked glances. They could not be the ones to break the news to her – this was Sheldon's role. Besides, Penny realized, selfishly, that Amy would never forgive her for purely and simply forgetting her.

"I... hm, I just remembered I have a call to make," Penny said. "In my apartment."

She quickly got up, and as she walked past Leonard, she shot him a look that she hoped conveyed her message – "I'm calling him."

The moment the door of her own apartment shot down behind her, Penny quickly grabbed her cell phone. Scrolling down her contact list, she selected Sheldon's name and hit the green telephone symbol next to it.

It rang one, two, three, four times, and Penny could feel her panic become stronger with each passing second. But after what felt an eternity, she finally heard Sheldon's voice on the other end of the receiver.

"Dr Sheldon Cooper," he said, his voice as pompous as ever, and Penny rolled her eyes. What an idiot.

"Sheldon!" she cried out. "What the hell are you thinking? You didn't even tell Amy you were leaving?"

There was a silence at the end of the phone, and Penny fleetingly wondered if he had hung up. Just as she was about to check it out, Sheldon finally said, his voice smaller than Penny would ever have thought possible.

"I just... I don't know how."

Penny wanted to feel sorry for him, but all she could think of was Amy, sitting in the white chair and blissfully unaware that the woman she called Bestie really didn't deserve the title.

"Well you better find a way," she said, "because she just showed up for Thai Night, convinced that you are still in Pasadena!"

And with that she hung up, not giving Sheldon any chance to defend himself. Penny breathed in deeply and walked back into 4A. Amy was now sitting in her own spot – _typical –_ and Leonard was busying himself in the kitchen, taking way too much time to simply fill out three glasses with wine.

"I just called him," Penny whispered as she joined him at the island. "I hope he calls her because I'm not going to be the one to break the news to her."

Not now, anyway. Penny realized that she should have done that the day before. And just as Leonard filled the third glass and could no longer pretend to be busy, Amy's phone rang in her pocket. Penny watched as her friend took it out and as her eyebrows shot up in surprise when she saw Sheldon's name on the screen. Leonard and she walked back to the couch, Penny taking her place on the white chair, Leonard sitting on the other side of Amy, leaving Sheldon's spot painfully empty.

"Sheldon? Where are you?"

And then she grew silent as Sheldon explained to her what he had decided to do. Penny couldn't hear him, but watching Amy's face change with every passing second, she felt her heart beat painfully in her own chest.

"I... I don't understand, Sheldon. Why did you not call me? Or even Leonard and Penny? I'm sure they're worried because they haven't seen you in over twenty four hours."

Just then, Amy looked over at Penny, and she saw it on her face – the realization that her Bestie _had _known and that she had simply forgotten or maybe not deemed it importantenough to tell her. Sheldon probably confirmed that on the phone, too, for Amy was now looking between Leonard and Penny with a look that could only be described as venomous.

"Okay, Sheldon," Amy finally said. "Thanks for checking in. Talk to you tomorrow?"

Whatever Sheldon's answer to this question was, it was not enough to quell Amy's pain as she grabbed a cushion and started hitting Leonard with it.

"How could you let him go!" she screeched, and Penny tried to make herself small, but she knew it was only a matter of seconds before Amy decided to hit her too. And truth be told, she deserved it.

* * *

**A/N: **We didn't learn much in this chapter, apart from the fact that Leonard and Penny have been rather sucky friends. Things will start getting meatier in the next chapter, but that will be in a couple of weeks. Until then...


	9. The Phone Call Aftermath

**A/N:** Hey everyone, both Katie and I are back so this fic should hopefully resume at its usual pace soon! I already have another chapter written and corrected so it should be up soon too. Thank you for sticking with me for the ride.

Reminder that the next three to four chapters (depending on how I'm gonna partition them) are flashbacks from Penny's point of view as she tells Sheldon what happened while he was gone.

As always, special thanks to Katie for correcting this really fast and really well.

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

**The Phone Call Aftermath**

* * *

Amy quickly got up, and by the way her body seemed to sway, Penny could tell her friend's head was spinning. It wasn't from the wine, as she hadn't even touched the glass Leonard had brought over to her – Penny assumed it was from the shock of Sheldon being gone, and, probably, from the realization that his friends had known and she hadn't. A _treason_, maybe that's how it ought to be called. Penny knew she would have to make it up to Amy, somehow, and she quickly got up to help out her friend, grabbing her arm.

"Sweetie," she said. "You should sit down, you're going to make yourself sick."

But Amy shook her head, and Penny was half expecting her to lash out on her, to tell her that she had no right to call her "sweetie." These words never came, though, and Penny wasn't sure if it was because Amy wasn't actually mad at her or because she was too intent on getting out of here, out of the apartment that felt haunted by the ghost of Sheldon and everything he hadn't said or done. It was most probably the second, but Penny decided to allow herself the comfort of the first, if just for a moment.

"I want to go home," Amy said, her voice trembling and her eyes watering, but her resolve clear, and Penny eagerly nodded, happy that Amy had apparently forgotten to be mad at her, too.

"I get that, sweetie," she said, "but you're clearly too upset right now. I can't let you drive."

She nearly added, "What kind of friend would do that?" but then again, what kind of friend wouldn't check up on their Bestie after her boyfriend left town for an indeterminate amount of time. She figured it wasn't wise to give this weapon to Amy, so Penny exchanged a glance with Leonard; obviously still shaken from Amy's emotional reaction, before turning her attention back to her friend. "How about I drive you home, okay?" she asked.

Amy merely nodded, and Penny let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. "Okay," she smiled. "Okay, let's do that."

Leonard quickly got up, picking up Amy's jacket and bag from Sheldon's cruelly empty desk, and then went on to open the door for them. Penny walked Amy there, one hand still firmly lodged on Amy's arm, and grabbed Amy's stuff with the other. She mouthed to Leonard a quick _thank you_, and in no time, the two women were sitting in Amy's car.

Where their trip down the staircase had been weepy, their ride to Glendale was a silent one. Penny kept glancing at Amy, but her friend's freak out had apparently been short-lived, and she had decided to act as if everything was fine. Penny knew Amy well, though, and she knew from the way Amy kept looking out of the window absent-mindedly, that something was upsetting her friend. Penny was dying to say something, to get Amy to talk about her feelings, but it was a slippery slope. At the moment, Amy seemed more upset over the fact that Leonard and Penny had let Sheldon go rather than the fact that they hadn't told her he was leaving. Penny knew that the realization of what she had done – or, rather, hadn't – would soon hit Amy, though, and Penny was not going to walk her to this epiphany herself. The later she got there the better, she thought selfishly.

But when Penny finally pulled over in Amy's parking spot, just below her apartment building, she knew she had to say something. She could not just throw Amy's stuff into her hands and let her walk away. Maybe she could walk her to apartment 314, and put the kettle on, deciding that this was going to be an impromptu Girls' Night. But she also knew this was never going to happen. She figured that Amy would probably not even let her walk to the building's entrance.

"It's going to be okay, sweetie," she said, because she had to, because she believed it, somehow. Or because she wanted to believe it, she didn't know which it was yet. "He just needed to get away for a little while. He'll probably be back by next week, you know how he is. Can't throw his schedule to the wind for too long. That's going to be exactly like it was when he didn't get his hair cut, a couple of years ago."

But it was not going to be like that, and Penny knew it. At the time, the only thing that had taken Sheldon out of his craze had been Amy's reassurance that Penny would be doing a good job. It had taken Amy's words to set Sheldon back on track, but this time, her words had been part of why he'd left. It had taken Amy's trust in Penny for Sheldon to grant her his own, but this time, Penny had broken Amy's trust without a care in the world. Gone were the golden days when Sheldon's life crises only involved wearing his Tuesday pajamas on a Thursday night and playing bongos at 3 in the morning. Gone were the golden days when he would completely rely on Amy, seeking refuge in her house in the midst of the chaos he had created in his own mind. Gone were the golden days when he would come out of his funk with the simple promise of a haircut. This was nothing like what the guys had taken to call Sheldon's werewolf transformation, and Penny knew it.

Amy did, too, and when her words were met with silence, Penny sighed. "Do you want me to walk you upstairs?" she said, knowing full well what the answer would be. She had asked because she had to, not because she'd hoped Amy would agree, but it at least seemed to take Amy out of the fog she'd been in since they'd pulled out of Los Robles Avenue.

"No," she answered, and her voice seemed neither sad, grateful, nor angry. It just seemed...dead. No emotion whatsoever seemed to transpire, and Penny was suddenly transported back to a time when Amy had still had that robotic attitude to her, and she repressed a shudder. That Amy had been unpleasant to say the least, and Penny did not want to see her back.

"Are you sure?" she asked, and Amy shot her a glare that dared her to insist. Penny knew better, and she simply whispered, as her shoulders slumped: "Okay, I understand," she said, but the truth was... she didn't really understand. Penny had never been the one left behind – she'd always been the one to go. The day before, she hadn't realized what it would mean for Amy to see Sheldon leave – she had only thought of what it would meant for Sheldon to leave. And even then, she realized that her relief over Amy's lack of anger for her was selfish. She knew it was selfish and terrible, that she should have felt more guilty than relieved, but there she was. She'd mocked Sheldon's need for order more than once, but Penny realized now that it probably had been a façade, a way for her to deny the fact that she needed control over her own life just the way he did. Amy not being mad at her meant that life could go on just the way it had.

She took the car keys out of the contact and handed them to Amy who took them with a curt nod of her head before unclasping her seat belt. Penny figured this was all she was going to get out of her friend that night, and she unclasped her own belt, getting out of the car at the same time as Amy.

Their eyes met over the rooftop of the car, and they stared at each other for what felt like a million years. The weight of Sheldon's departure and Penny's inaction felt heavy between the two of them, like a wall that could never be brought down. There were so many things Penny wanted to say – things she _had _to say – "I am _so _sorry, Amy, and I hope you can forgive me, somehow, because I really do care about you. And don't worry about Sheldon, really, because I know it's going to be okay eventually." – but they didn't seem enough, so in the end, she just settled for a "Good night, Amy."

Amy nodded and started to walk away. She hadn't taken five steps, though, before she turned back to Penny. "I think," she said, her voice both hesitant and firm, like a contradiction that still insisted on existing, "I think that I would like to be alone in the next couple of days," she said. And Penny knew she should fight harder, because that was what good friends were supposed to do, Penny knew that she had to tell Amy that being alone would be the worst thing that could happen to her spirits, Penny knew that she should become a constant presence in her friend's life from now on. But Penny was a coward, and she simply nodded.

And as she watched her friend's retreating form, Penny felt like she was going to be sick.

* * *

**A/N:** I know, this chapter is a bit of a filler (although it is important imho to start establishing Penny's feelings of guilt, which are obviously going to be very important in the next few chapters), but it starts getting much meatier in the next one, as Amy will feature more heavily. Thanks for reading, and as usual, reviews make me write/publish faster ;)


	10. The Salmon Polarization

**A/N:** Ayy, finally a long chapter! Was starting to think I couldn't do those, ahah. (Well, sort of long. That's no 6K words chapter either.)

As usual, a big thank you to Katie for correcting this so quickly and perfectly!

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

**The Salmon Polarization**

* * *

Two days turned into a week, and it was only when Leonard sat down across from her at her dining table and told her they needed to start thinking about their wedding ceremony that Penny decided it was time to stop stalling and to reach out to Amy. She'd given her friend the space she had requested, or so she told herself to feel better about it – she very well knew the true motive behind her silence had been fear and unease.

Life had taken the strangest turn ever since Sheldon had left. Leonard and Penny had told Raj and Howard of his departure at Caltech, the day after Sheldon had called Amy. Penny had decided to come have lunch with Leonard, half hoping to see Amy in the cafeteria, and as Raj and Howard had sat at their table, they had realized that if Sheldon hadn't told Amy, he probably hadn't told his friends either.

Raj had learnt of Sheldon's departure and shrugged it away with a "Meh, he'll be back next week," perhaps eager to get back to Emily's bed without guilt. Penny couldn't say she was very surprised – she loved Raj to death, but the guy had never struck her as being the best friend someone could ask for. She did not want to allow herself to think like this, however, and she chose to be happy for Raj instead. She had seen him struggle in love for years, and she told herself that it was a good thing he finally could taste the fruit he'd been denied for so long.

Where Raj had reacted like she'd thought he would, Howard's attitude towards the news of Sheldon's departure, however, had been a surprise. Penny had expected him to punch the air with a victory cry, glad to be rid of the pedantic asshat for a while, but his face had grown somber.

"Is that why Amy's not having lunch with us, then?" he had asked, and Penny had been startlingly reminded of the fact that Howard and Amy were friends, now.

They had struck up their unlikely alliance not even a year ago, as they'd been running all over Pasadena looking for clues to Raj's scavenger hunt, a common love for Neil Diamond being the basis of their relationship. They had gone to a concert together, one night when Bernadette had been stuck at work and when Sheldon had decided he was too good for Neil Diamond concerts, and bonded even further. A few years back, Penny would have jumped to the wrong conclusion – Howard, out after dark with a woman would have been bound to make a move – but she knew better, now. Howard was clearly in love with his wife, and Amy... well, everyone knew Sheldon was the only guy she had ever had eyes for, and probably the only one she would ever have eyes for.

Penny had figured that Howard was the reason why Amy had chosen Howard and Bernadette as the couple of friends to accompany her and Sheldon on the trip to Napa Valley for Valentine's Day. Truth be told, she'd been a little hurt that her friend would choose _Howard_ of all people over _her_, her gorgeous Bestie, but months later, as Howard's first thought upon learning of Sheldon's departure had been about Amy, Penny had realized that perhaps he had deserved it more than she'd ever had.

And here they were, only a week after Amy had hit Leonard with a pillow, only a week after Penny had let her walk back to her apartment on her own, and yet life had already taken a turn it shouldn't have. Howard and Bernadette had cancelled Pizza Night for whatever reason, and Raj had said that in this case, he'd spend the night at Emily's. The weekend had then crept up on them, and Penny had only heard briefly from Bernadette – a text saying _Too much work. Gotta cancel Girls Night._ It was simple: in the week after Sheldon's call to Amy, Penny hadn't seen anyone who wasn't Leonard.

But Leonard had asked her "So, who do you think is going to be your Maid of Honor?" and... well, it had to be Amy, hadn't it?

After dinner, that night, as Leonard took their plates to the sink and started washing them, Penny picked up her phone, sat on her couch, dialed Amy's number, and waited for too long – seven seconds! – before she finally heard her friend's voice.

"Hello?" Amy said, and Penny could feel her own heart beat in her chest. It was the first time in a week she was hearing Amy's voice, and she didn't know what to expect.

"Hey, Ames," she said, her voice choking on the words, "I... How are you feeling?"

There was a silence at the other end of the line. Penny started to grow worried that Amy would burst into tears, accusing her not to care about her at this difficult moment, but then she finally heard the words she had been dying to hear for days. "I'm okay."

Penny felt herself smile, too happy not to be dealing with a weepy Amy, and she said, "That's great news! Told you you'd be alright!"

These words were met with silence, though, and Penny realized they had probably not been the best choice. She fidgeted on her couch and said, "I'm calling you to ask you something important," she said, and she could almost see Amy nodding as she said, "Do go on?"

"I want you to be my maid of honor," Penny said, and she heard Amy's sharp intake of breath on the other side of the telephone. "If that's okay with you?" Penny hastily added, not wanting to offend her friend.

"Hum... Sure, I guess."

The reaction wasn't one Penny had expected – she'd been hoping for excited cries, perhaps even an "I love you." Amy had been beside herself when Bernadette had asked her to be the maid of honor at her own wedding, and she wasn't even Amy's best friend. Penny tried to silence her disappointment, though – it was not an easy time for Amy, and she had to respect that.

"Okay," she said as cheerfully as she could. "That's – that's great! Thank you Amy."

"Is that all?" Amy asked, and Penny said, "Yes. Yes, thank you."

There was a silence, a "Very well then," another silence, a "Call whenever," and then the characteristic beeping of a line that had been hung up.

"I take it she's in, then?" Leonard asked from his spot at the sink, and Penny nodded as she slid her cell phone back into her pocket.

"Yeah, yeah she was," she answered, and then "But... there was something off with her. I don't know. It was weird."

Leonard shrugged. "Sheldon essentially broke her heart. It's gonna take time for her to heal." He waited a heartbeat and then added, "I should know."

Penny rolled her eyes and threw a cushion at him. "Please," she said. "You didn't have to see me date Priya for eight months."

Leonard chuckled. "Actually," he said, "I had that weird dream, once..."

"Don't you dare!" Penny screeched as she put her hands over her ears, and Leonard laughed.

It was another three days before Penny saw Amy for the first time since that fateful Tex Mex night. She'd sent her a text that Saturday morning – _Wanna meet up 4 lunch n look at bridesmaids dresses? xoxo –_ and Amy had answered shortly after that – _Sure. Cheesecake Factory?_

As Penny pulled into the Cheesecake Factory parking lot, she spotted Amy's car and felt herself smile. Lunch with her Bestie – life was somehow going back to normal. She unclasped her seatbelt, grabbed her purse and came out of her own car, locking the doors behind her before quickly walking towards the restaurant, the click of her new heels ringing in her own ears. When she pushed the door open, she instantaneously saw Amy, sitting at the bar with her back turned to her, wearing a grey cardigan Penny had never seen before, and an empty glass in hand. Penny checked her watch and noticed she was a half hour late. Biting down on her lips at the memory of _why_ she was late – Leonard's talented tongue and fingers – she quickly walked up to Amy, putting her hands over her friend's eyes from behind.

"Guess who?" she said, and then uncovered Amy's eyes with a laugh. She sat down on the bar stool next to her friend, and then took her first proper look at her. She didn't like what she saw. Amy looked like she'd barely slept in the week and a half Penny hadn't seen her. Her eyes seemed empty, her skin gloomy, and her mouth set in a firm line. She looked positively _dreadful_. Penny knew better than to point this out, though, and she said "Sorry I'm late." Telling Amy that she'd been late because her fiancé had been giving her the cunnilingus of the century didn't seem right, though, and Penny settled on a lie. "Ran out of petrol and had to rush to a station."

Amy nodded and said, "It's alright." She then looked at her empty glass and added, "I didn't wait for you to start."

"Understandable," Penny conceded. "Should we get a table?"

They both got up and walked towards the dining area of the restaurant. They settled for a small table in a corner, Penny eager to be discrete. She hadn't been at the Cheesecake Factory since she had quit her job, and she didn't want to admit to her ex-colleagues that she was struggling to find a single acting job. Sure, she had had the part in _Serial Apeist 2: Monkey See, Monkey Kill_, but that thing had fallen apart faster than her brother's last parole. She had had a few auditions that week, including a recurring role on some daytime soap, but Penny was still waiting to hear back from any of these.

"I am _so _tired," Penny said as she sat down across from Amy. Been running auditions all week long, and Leonard accidentally consumed lactose at dinner yesterday. Lemme tell you, it was a long night!"

Amy forced a smile, and Penny realized that she would be the one to have to do most of the talking that day. Her friend really was not making it easy for her – Penny was trying to reach out, to get their lives back to a semblance of normalcy, but it was as if Amy had found herself a sweet niche in silence and was determined to stay here. So Penny did what she knew best – she talked about herself.

She told Amy all about her week. She talked of the auditions she'd gone to, spending more time on the soap opera casting, of course, but she still mentioned the Tampax and the cat food commercials. She told Amy of the weird casting director who looked like he would have hired her in a heartbeat provided she sucked his dick off, she told Amy of the brunette who screwed up her lines for the Tampax commercial and busted out crying in the middle of the waiting room, she told Amy of the crazy cat lady who came to the cat food audition hoping to get free samples for her pets. And then she talked about Leonard, whose mother was flying in at the end of the month to celebrate the engagement. The news had made him very distraught and she suspected it was why he'd eaten a yogurt the night before. She talked about her own father, who had recorded himself doing a victory dance upon the news of her engagement. She even talked about Emily, who had called her a couple of days before, telling her she'd gotten her phone number in Raj's address book and who needed advice on Raj's favorite foods.

"It's quite cute that she's cooking for him," Penny concluded as she finished her salmon. "Although I hope for her sake that Raj isn't as much of a picky eater as Leonard."

She then took a glance at Amy, who had not spoken a word since they had sat down. Penny noticed that Amy had barely touched her food, and she said cheerfully, "Come on Amy, that fish is delicious!"

Amy looked at her for a long time before picking up her knife and fork. She cut a piece of her own salmon, brought it to her mouth, and just as she was about to taste it, she dropped the fork and said, "No, I can't do this."

Penny suddenly sensed that things were about to take a turn for the worst. Amy looked angry, and it was almost a relief to finally see some emotion back on her friend's face – but only almost, because Penny knrw that was it – she was getting her comeuppance.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this," Amy repeated, and then she added "And actually, I'm not sorry at all. You should be the one to be sorry, but you're not, are you?"

Penny opened her mouth, to say that yes, she _was _sorry, but Amy interrupted her before she even got a chance to say anything. "No," she said. "Don't tell me that you're sorry _now_. It's too late, Penny. You should have told me you were sorry the moment you walked out of that train station. You should have said that you were sorry for not calling me to join you and Leonard to go to the train station. That you were sorry for not letting me know that Sheldon was going away. That you were sorry for being so adamant on keeping your life just as you wanted it that you didn't try to reach out to me for a whole week."

Amy got up, and went on. "You should be sorry for asking me to be the maid of honor in a wedding that made Sheldon run away, you should be sorry for asking me to be a maid of honor when the love of my life broke my heart. You should be sorry for leading me on for years, for pretending that you were on my side, when you never were. You should be sorry for being selfish and just as bad as Sheldon."

As Amy's voice grew angrier with each passing word, Penny's own heart grew heavier, for she knew Amy was right. She should have said sorry, she should have been there, she should have done something. And yet she felt the need to defend herself.

"That's not fair, Amy. You asked me to leave you alone!"

"And you should have known that I did not want to be left alone!" Amy shouted, slamming her fist on the table and attracting stares from everyone around them. "When Leonard was going out with Priya, I knew before you ever did just how much you hated it! Because I love you! Because you are my best friend! But I'm not yours, am I?" Her voice broke down as a terrible realization dawned upon her. "You're Team Sheldon. You've always been Team Sheldon. Your loyalty is with him first, and then with me."

Amy was crying, now, and Penny could feel tears rolling down her own cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Amy," she said, but Amy shook her head.

"No. No," she said, her voice growing stronger again. "I've heard that before and I'm not going to hear it again. I'm done. I'm done building my life around others'. I deserve better, Penny. I am smart and successful and I don't need you."

And with that, she left the restaurant, an Amy-shaped hole growing in Penny's heart.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, that's finally out there. Amy's mad and Penny can't live in denial of her guilt anymore. Now let's bring on the consequences...

"penny fan": a) I don't care for your Amy bashing, take it somewhere else, to someone who cares (hint: you probably won't find this someone in the Shamy filter of fanfiction dot net). b) This is labelled as a Shamy story, Penny is nowhere in the selected characters nor is she in the summary of the story, I don't owe you a spotless portrayal of Perfect Penny. c) These chapters are from Penny's POV. She is the one blaming herself, not me. Do I think Penny has been a shitty friend to look at her nails while Amy's heart was breaking? Yes, absolutely. Am I bashing her? No, and quite the contrary, because I'm 150% convinced the show WON'T have her driving Amy home (as a good friend should) like my fic does. d) Oh, your grasp of spelling and grammar... It hurts my soul.

everyone else: Thanks so much for all the reviews/follows/favourites. I hope you're still enjoying this story!


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